RAK...

Sometimes I feel my character is a bit 'Jeckyll and Hyde'. Lest you get the wrong impression let me clarify: I don't mean that I am involuntarily undergoing a gradual and irreversible metamorphosis into some hideous, misanthropic creature with no sense of conscience! Merely, that I wonder how I can be so confident with people I don't know, able to strike up a conversation and makes jokes, yet with people I see regularly I become more and more shy and reserved, constantly worrying about the impression I've made or whether I'm being included, comparing myself to others and generally berating myself for being so unapproachable. Surely, as time goes on, it should be the reverse...

For some reason, of late, this bizarre and unwelcome neurosis seems to have intensified. I feel that I've broken bridges through my aloofness and harbour the imaginary thought that, if only I were starting again, all would be different. But it wouldn't. It's all to easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

So, I resolve no longer to compare myself, to worry about the behaviour of others. All I can do is focus on myself, not doing myself down but doing myself justice by being as kind as possible: in my gestures, my words, my attitude, my actions, my eyes. I think all too often kindness is underrated. People worry, just like I do, about how they are perceived and to that end act aloof or even maliciously, relishing the sense of superiority this affords them. But I would rather be rejected and mocked for being kind and perceived too eager than constantly to hide behind the cold walls of aloofness.

Let's go viral

100,000 Britons have shut down their Facebook accounts in May alone. To be honest, this isn't as monumental a denial of modern social media as you might at first think: many of those questioned have merely upgraded to the newly popular Twitter due to fears about their privacy.

Whilst I don't intend to start tweeting my way through life, I can sympathise with the growing apathy towards Facebook. A recent study suggested that those who use Facebook, on average, have a better social life offline than those who didn't. What complete piffle. One can only assume this study was funded by a certain Mr Zuckerburg, or some such similar. Having so much information about people you've met only a few times or haven't seen for years on end can certainly make you feel that you know every intimate detail of their life -- but do you really? Fine, you can read that they 'went on a bender last night and, like, totally passed out in some random estate lol' or that they've started a new job or whatever it might be. But have you really an inkling about their well-being, their plans, their character? No, but, nevertheless, the illusion remains.

Even with those close to you, it's easy to stop making the effort. A quick message or, nowadays, even a quick click of that 'like' button can make you feel like you made contact. But no initialism or emoticon can really convey the tone, the facial expression, the gestures to which humans are so disposed and which we need in order to make ourselves fully understood. Moreover, Facebook, with its bursts of news, can have actively damaging effects on friendships, from reading a comment clearly not meant for your prying eyes or viewing a party invitation sent to all of your friends but not to you, either by design or out of neglect.

It's no wonder that people reach a level of saturation and wish to return to simple methods of communication which, let's face it, can be confusing enough at the best of the times, without adding the golden haze of viral networking to the whole affair.

Escapism

Everybody needs a little escapism from the more unpleasant, or even simply banal, elements of their life from time to time. Normally, when I want to escape into an alternative reality, I do one of the following:
1. Bake. Particularly recipes with an unnecessary number of steps. I'm not one for this all-in-one malarkey.
2. Read Country Living. Am I worried that I share the interests of a middle aged farmer's wife? Perhaps. Do I dream of living in a grade II listed farm house with a dog called Potato, a roaring fire and a local supply of apples nevertheless? Yes.
3. Dance. Zumba, ballet, aerobics - whatever. Can't.get.enough of those endorphins.

However, when at university (where perhaps the drawbacks of reality hit me harder than elsewhere) I have no kitchen, would be mortified to be seen with CL in my shopping basket in the social hub that is the local Sainsburys and know of no local dance classes.

So, today, I got up around 6 and hopped on my bike and with a some hastily scribbled down directions set off on a long ride. Fool. What was I thinking? I began to resent myself when wondering what on earth I had meant by 'G Lane' or 'take a kind of small right.' I positively loathed my former self when I accidentally ended up on a dual carriage way. Luckily, after a hasty recourse to the side of the road, I escaped with my life and made it back home.

Despite the dramatics of the ride and the intellectual rigour needed to decode my sparse notes, I forgot my normal world for a couple of hours, enjoying the view from Boar's Hill over the cityscape of Oxford and generally taking overly romantic pictures.

Now, you have the almost unutterable pleasure of two photos!

I was torn between my love of old maps (Boar's Hill in 1919) ....

and the sheer narcissistic pleasure of my own photo (a casual field in 2011)