It's the final countdown

Tomorrow, I have my penultimate final. As ever, I'm unprepared! So far, these exams have gone by in a blur but these last two are beginning to drag as everyone around me seems to be finishing. There are carnations, confetti and cries of joy all over college and it's becoming harder to keep my focus. I don't have the same determination I did at the start of this (near three week long!) process and am not really putting my heart into these last exams. I think my slight apathy is exacerbated by my worry about what I've done so far plus thoughts for next week with lots to organise and lots going on. I should be focused on my last two papers. Instead I'm thinking: when will I have time to get ready, when will I pack, will I be able to fit this event in; have I made the right decision to sign up for this, did I remember to book that train...

I think it's obvious that I need to breathe.
Then focus. Two more days. Less than forty eight hours. If I've made it through four years of trials and tribulations I sure can't let this last couple of days drag me down. However it's gone so far, I have the decision about how to act on these two, even if it's only a desperate decision to hurl everything I've got. Four and a half more hours in my exam hall and I'm finished.

Time for some tea, me thinks.

Isn't it a pity

I quite like Valentine's Day - I love that, despite how busy everyone can feel, it prompts people to make thoughtful, unique and loving gestures for those who meant most to them. And, no, I'm not talking about the people who grab petrol-station flowers on the way home; I'm judging them.

But, tonight, I feel positively seething, the result of some rather thoughtless comments from a supposed friend. This Valentine's day, when I told him that, no, I wasn't really looking for any guy, he had the audacity and social obliviousness to say, "Oh, that's so sad. You really should" before launching into some trite how I needed to find myself at the man of my dreams asap.

Should? According to who exactly? I'm completely baffled as to what this comment was supposed to achieve. Either, I'm really not looking for anyone, in which case I couldn't care less of what I 'ought' to be doing. Or, if it did bother me that I didn't have someone to share things with, how is such a judgement comment in any way constructive? What was he expecting? That I'd turn and say, "You're right! If only someone had mentioned my inadequacies sooner!"

It made me so angry that I inhaled a whole portion of tiramisu. This was not in the plan. What made me more angry was I was so blind-sighted by this supposed sympathy or encouragement or however he chose to delude himself that I didn't have a good reply for this horrible comment. I just smiled. Urgh! I wish I'd told him how rude he was being, that he should focus on his own life rather than mine and that his alleged pity was even worse than a barefaced insult.

Cose Segrete

Just having a moment to myself listening to Einaudi's La Nascita Della Cose Segrete. I absolutely love this music and its utter calm. It's all been a bit hectic these last few days so nice to have a moment of stillness.

First drama of the week: my water bottle spilled over in my bag. I popped over to the library for a bit of early morning reading and opened my back to find what amounted to a lagoon. Slightly confused, I ran back outside and emptied my bag onto the street (cue confused looks from people in the square as a veritable waterfall gushes out of my bag). Next, I pick up my sopping phone and, whilst wiping it on my hoodie in despair, somehow managed to dreg up some elementary physics knowledge that water + electrical current = nightmare. So, after whipping out the battery, I rush off to the fountain (no pun intended) of all knowledge (t'internet) and find many a foolish bedfellow, all wondering what to do now that their blackberry has gone for a bit of a dip. Lots of talk of putting blackberries in rice, but, finding this all a bit too much like a Delia recipe, I choose to leave it alone to dry for three days. It honestly took a will of steel not to take a sneaky peak every so often to see if my blackberry was any better, but thank the berry gods, for my phone is fully recovered!

Second drama: After a sneaky trip to London, I hopped back to university but in the process managed to lose my purse. Yes, I know, I'm a hopeless case. But, darlings that they are, the people from Stagecoach called me and said they had the very object in their possession so all I had to do was pop over to the bus depot to collect said item. Simple, no? Er, no. On my bike, I had to navigate my way across a bypass to get to this bus depot, hidden behind a factory several miles from town in the back of beyond. I honestly feared for my life about every three seconds such were the number of freight lorries rushing past me. But, two and half hours later, my beloved purse and I were reunited once more.

I wonder, how long till the next self-inflicted drama... Perhaps I'll enjoy the Eindadi infused moment whilst it lasts!

Intern Anonymous

There is a website which is essentially a forum for moaning in which unpaid and undervalued interns can vent about their torrid work conditions: Interns Anonymous.

Half way into my six week placement, I would not have counted myself among these unfortunate students and recent graduates. In my workplace, the atmosphere is welcoming, the pay is more than fair and, let's face it, I love the novelty of business dress. Indeed, I love sharp tailoring to such an extent that I have not begrudged the crazy early starts, the fact that no-one ever seems to know I'm due to work with them on any given day or that I have to be consistently proactive in order to find tasks for myself.

However, I love to work hard and my pet peeve is not feeling needed. Yet today, I walked into a department in which the staff talked over my head and failed to help me organise my day. It beggars belief that, in a somewhat overstretched organisation, an able 21 year old could not be put to some viable use. I am essentially an extra pair of hands and am willing, if not downright eager, to get on with any task available, grass-roots or otherwise. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall all day as every person I met looked over me and questioned someone else about why I was there and what they were supposed to do with me, without even being considerate enough to acknowledge me.

I suppose part of my irritation stems from the fact that only now am I truly realising that work will be testing. For years, I have had the pleasure and privilege of intellectual stimulation on a daily basis. Only now can I appreciate that work is filled with mundane, repetitive tasks. Hopefully, with determination and as one ascends within a company, the work becomes more varied and decisions more consequential but it is a key reminder that one's work cannot be one's all.

Row, row, row your boat

I am, at heart, a boatie. There, I've admitted it. I was, once upon a time, one of the (clearly mentally imbalanced) folk who dragged themselves out of bed at 5.30am in the depths of winter, come rain, wind, hail or snow, and sat in a boat for several hours, several times a week. I had callouses on my hands for months on end. I submitted to the all-in-one which is universally acknowledged to be hideous in all respects. I was told to man the ef up on a regular basis. But, still, I loved it - the adrenalin, the camaraderie, the slightly debauched celebrations, burning boats and then jumping over them -- just for kicks.

Even though I've since abandoned it for the sake of RAG, work and sleep, I still leapt at the chance to get the girls together for one of the best regatta events of the season: Henley. Sunshine - check. Summer dresses - check. Pimms - check. It was a wonderful day and the perfect way to launch the summer vac. Whether you find yourself lounging on the bank and watching the teams power through the water or surrounded by the crowds in their boaters and blazers, this event is old school in the best sense of the word.

Balls, balls, balls ....

Being summer in England it is, of course, chucking it down with torrential rain - in August; I mean honestly. Confined to the house as I am, I can think of no better way to pass the time than to fill you all in with how my term ended ...

On the day of the ball, I picked up my friend from home who, despite staying only for one night, had managed to accumulate five suitcases! I can veritably hear the baffled cries of my readers: how can one person need so many bags, indeed five times the amount of bags one might originally assume? Why, by bringing three changes of outfit for one evening, of course. My friend is nothing if not a glamorous trouper.  After the aerobic workout that was getting them up the six flights of stairs to my room, situated in the eaves of my college, the girls came over to get ready. The night was amazing - from hairstylists, to vodka fountains, a thousands types of food, gorgeous fireworks accompanied by wonderful music, dodgems, ferris wheels, shisha, jazz bands; Tinchy Strider even made an appearance! All was a blur of excitement.

However, I am most definitely a morning lark, not a night owl, and love to go to bed early so as to wake at dawn, enjoy the quiet calm before the traffic starts and college awakes. Needless to say, I was a little worried about how to make it from 6.30pm to 7.30am straight without collapsing from sheer exhaustion! But, without getting drunk and without the need of an IV of caffeine, I danced my way through the night. A slight slump around 2.30am was cured by an amazingly effective power sit (totes the new power nap). Amazing night with amazing friends ... though not such amazing sleep afterwards since I was top and tailing with two others in a single bed! Two hours sleep + packing + four hour trip back to London does not make for a happy girlie ...

RAK...

Sometimes I feel my character is a bit 'Jeckyll and Hyde'. Lest you get the wrong impression let me clarify: I don't mean that I am involuntarily undergoing a gradual and irreversible metamorphosis into some hideous, misanthropic creature with no sense of conscience! Merely, that I wonder how I can be so confident with people I don't know, able to strike up a conversation and makes jokes, yet with people I see regularly I become more and more shy and reserved, constantly worrying about the impression I've made or whether I'm being included, comparing myself to others and generally berating myself for being so unapproachable. Surely, as time goes on, it should be the reverse...

For some reason, of late, this bizarre and unwelcome neurosis seems to have intensified. I feel that I've broken bridges through my aloofness and harbour the imaginary thought that, if only I were starting again, all would be different. But it wouldn't. It's all to easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

So, I resolve no longer to compare myself, to worry about the behaviour of others. All I can do is focus on myself, not doing myself down but doing myself justice by being as kind as possible: in my gestures, my words, my attitude, my actions, my eyes. I think all too often kindness is underrated. People worry, just like I do, about how they are perceived and to that end act aloof or even maliciously, relishing the sense of superiority this affords them. But I would rather be rejected and mocked for being kind and perceived too eager than constantly to hide behind the cold walls of aloofness.